Category Archives: Grad School

Welp, I’m back

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Sorry about the break. I really did think I could write a blog post about each day of the written portion of my comprehensive exams. Friends, I could not. I had no idea how much energy that was going to take out of me, including the one-hour commute each way. The day I wrote 5000 words, I slept the sleep of the dead. But, I’ve handed in my answers and it’s in the hands of my committee now.

How do I feel? Terrible. Well, not today. Over the last day or two I have settled down, but where I thought I would feel relief I only felt shame. I came out of the process feeling stupid, unprepared, more than an imposter, but a charlatan. I was (and kinda am) still thoroughly convinced that my oral exam will just be my committed expressing this disdain and then handing me packing boxes to clear my things and go. I was exhausted on Friday and cried. I blew up on Saturday morning and cried. Today, no crying, but still anxiety.

I’m going to stay as busy as possible this week so I don’t have time to think about anything negative. I will listen to every Agatha Christie book my library has and catch up on all my manga. Yah. That’s the plan.

Always write your notes as if they’ll be found

While I was transcribing my notebook today, I came across this paragraph I wrote about the first chapter of Richard Miller’s Writing at the End of the World:

Mary Karr’s The Liar’s Club is discussed in detail and while I’m pleased we found the time to discuss a female writer, I’m saddened that her story has to be about hope generated through the expression of her psychological and physical trauma and that her contribution is about forgiveness. Thank goodness for the lady nurturers. “It might seem that by organizing these readings in this way, I’ve been building up to a spirited defense of the social and therapeutic value of writing one’s memoirs” (24). Reader, he is not. Amis, Krakauer, Descartes all new that writing could exemplify, amplify their anxieties: “extend one’s sense of despair and one’s sense of superiority” (24) but they lacked the knowledge that Karr had, that writing could generate hope and forgiveness and an understanding of one’s own past and path. Miller forgets to point out that men often have the space, time, leisure to amplify their pain because the women compromise, cajole, and cooperate. Karr finds hope and optimism because she is not allowed the space to brood and sulk in the literary world. Her pain isn’t vented through literary doppelgangers or shooting sprees—it burns until it’s contained and only valued when her trauma is transformed into that most useful of all stolen artifacts—hope.

No one likes me and that may be good

During my PhD, I have been concerned and a little jealous that I haven’t been able to connect personally with any of my professors. I am either their age or older, I live an hour away, and, to be fair, I don’t have the best personality. But when I see other students getting asked for favors, or editing, or other research work, I wonder what I’m missing out on and how that will affect me in the long run.

Lately, as I watch my colleague being taken advantage of by a professor with favors and tasks while not fulfilling their part of the deal, I’m a wee bit grateful that I am ignored. I AM VERY MAD AT THIS SITUATION BECAUSE MY COLLEAGUE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER.

Summer School? 🤖

Just proposed my first summer course: Terminators, Cyborgs, and Hackers: the thematic algorithms in science fiction film. If it gets picked up for the schedule, I’ll post the syllabus here. Phew.

Just take the word out of your name

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Picture of a notebook with astronaut cats and a four pack of pens.
Totally worth it.

I spent $24 at the college bookstore today and got one notebook and four pens. What I went for was a book that I’d ordered for my class. For some reason, I decided to order my readings from the college Bookstore and it was nothing short of dismal. See, the college BookStore really deals with apparel and items and the Brand of the college, not necessarily the day-to-day reading needs of its students. It used to, but not anymore. It just can’t compete.

Even with the power of the Barnes & Noble apparatus behind it, the BOokStore is just not a bookstore anymore. When I ordered my books, only a few came in, some were on backorder and they were sent to a “Mystery” pile in the mailroom. I’m not making up that name, “Mystery.” That’s what they told me to tell the attendant when it was my turn. Yet even when it was my turn was a mystery, as the ID card reader didn’t accept my card.

“Grad student?” the attendant asked.

See, grad students don’t have mailboxes at the mailroom, as far as I know. In my department we have mailboxes in the English office. An actual box where I can receive mail and packages. Packages like Amazon packages. Guess what I can’t receive there? Books from the college BOokStoRe.

I walk with a cane. I teach at 7:55am. I spend nearly every minute reading for my exams. Getting down the hill to the BOoKStoRe is not an easy feat. When I can remember that those (some, which?) books are waiting for me (or aren’t), it was a hassle. I kick myself for responding to the email to “Get Your Books at the BOOKSTORE!” Kick!

When I finally got there, they handed me one book, that I needed two weeks ago. They did not have the two books they told me they had. One (the one I need to read) had been sent back, the other, apparently dematerialized. When I got to the office, I bought the ebook.

Sweatshirts are on sale, though.

Ultimately, the issue is me, but until I come to terms with that…

I tend to shake up my tech tools and apps when I want to procrastinate. Lately I’ve approached this a bit more maturely, explaining (lying) to myself that I’m trying out something new for a while in the hopes of simplifying my workflow. When I saw our library was offering Zotero free for students, I decided to give it a shot. I’ve been using Paperpile religiously for years and thought it might be good to see what else is out there.

Zotero’s interface, for some, is dated, but I found it endearing. For the last few months I’ve been adding RSS feeds and readings from my comp exams to see how I like its features. Overwhelmingly I loved the ability to mark sources as related to other sources – a big help with the films I’m viewing to see which articles I’ve read in relation to them (their titles are not always clear). What I really hated was their filing system and the inability to add it to my Google Drive without some headaches.

Ultimately, that and the need to be hardware independent was what made me come back fully to Paperpile. While I will miss the relation feature, I spent many years without it and since Paperpile doesn’t seem to be implementing something similar anytime soon, I’ll make it work.

Yeah, that’s it. Not really a review, just letting everyone know what I’m doing instead of reading and writing. 🙂

Oh, all while working other jobs because you have low pay and no security…

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“You must also consider how to balance the work of effective teaching: timely review and grading of student work; creating assessments to gauge student learning; and fostering a diverse, equitable and inclusive classroom where students feel they belong”

www.insidehighered.com/advice/2022/11/07/value-contingent-jobs-phds-seeking-tenure-track-opinion