H.B. FLYTE

From the vent file of my dissertation:

There are so many hundreds, if not thousands, of words that I’ve written about, around, procrastinating on, when it comes to this dissertation. I’ve been away from the campus and from my colleagues for a couple of weeks so I’m starting to feel disconnected from the academic community. When that happens, I start thinking I should walk away from the dissertation, but then there’s always something that brings me back. I don’t know that holding onto this idea is healthy. I don’t think it’s mentally healthy at all, but I am more terrified of not having health insurance than I am of not completing the PhD, and right now that seems to be the only way my brain can believe that I will continue to have health insurance past August 1.*

Do I want to write [the dissertation]? There’s a lot of things I want to write and I think one of the excuses I use to not write is that I should be writing something else. One of the reasons I think people like me give ourselves too many projects is so that we can bounce them off of each other and not do any of them, complain of overwhelm and overload, and then be paralyzed. It allows the world to expect less of us. I think this probably happens mostly with people from whom the world has expected much, for whatever reason (former gifted kids, I’m looking at us). 

But most people are tired of listening to me hem and haw about this degree and this dissertation. While I understand current my mental paralysis, for some reason, it doesn’t stop me aging, or spending money for groceries and utilities, or growing evermore reserved. In other words, as long as I am mentally stymied, I can convince myself that I am in stasis, but the world still continues. 

I originally came to my vent file just to put down a word or two about thinking about coming back to this writing. I have something to do around 9 so it’s hard for me to focus on anything else until that is over. It involves another person and so therefore, I have to reserve my energy so that I can be a human being instead of just a mind swimming in some soup.

* To clarify, I believe that I need to start producing some actual writing in order to justify coming back as a full-time student in the fall. Then I can buy health insurance through the college.